Wow...I haven't done any just journaling posts on here in a long time.
Maybe I can be a little more regular about that now that I have my afternoons with both boys at school. It seems so weird to even type that.
Those 3 hours sure go by fast!
Anyway just a few random pictures from the past few weeks...
Gunnar loves to sleep shirtless...then lots of days this skinny little body comes straight to my room in the morning and crawls in bed with me to snuggle. Love it :)
I love when they get creative with their legos...Harry Potter in his own little hot tub...haha created by Ashton :)
I still sneak in and take pictures of them while they sleep a lot of nights...Ashton loves minecraft right now ,well they both do...this is his favorite new school shirt...
Lars took the boys out shooting, Gunnar got to wear these :)
Gunnar and his best buddy Owen...so glad these two have eachother, they are so much alike and will play and pretend together for hours!
Practicing writing his name...doing great!
He has finally discovered he loves raspberries!
This cute Gunnar comment was a couple months ago, but I never got around to putting it on here. One day he was asking me about something, actually I remember he asked me if I was having a baby...(my zipper on my sweatshirt was sticking out in that area...haha :) and so I said no and asked him why, and all of a sudden like something just came to him he said "Wait...I know you are going to." And I said Oh really, how do you know that? And he said "God told me..." And then..."You know like when a thought comes into your head it's really God talking to you." I got chills when he said that. Not necessarily about the baby thing, but just those words. I love that he said that and it is so very true. :)
Then another thing he said recently when I told him that I'm not going to let him get any older...he said "I can if I want to...sorry Mom, days go by." Well said Gunnar, no matter what I do I can't stop time.
I sure am enjoying every day as they go by so quickly though.
I read so many stories of parents who have lost kids at a young age or who have almost lost kids, but face a life with a severely disabled child because of an accident or something, and I think of how very grateful I am for every single day (even though lots of days are hard!) with Ashton and Gunnar and Lars.
I told Gunnar one night that every single day with him is a gift from God, his funny reply..."How am I a gift? You've had me for like 5 years!"
He talks a lot lately about wishing wells and wishing on shooting stars, and asks me if he makes a wish if it will automatically come true. I know now why he asks me this and why he so badly wants for one particular wish to be granted...more than any other thing in the world he wishes that Shockey would come to life and talk to him. I love it :) I love his innocence and how he looks at the world. He is so adorable!
Last week he got out his cute little baby doll that my Mom got him for Christmas a few years ago and had fun dressing and undressing it for a long time :)
In the past few days as we're driving he'll ask what the speed limit is and then he'll look at my speedometer from the back seat and say whoa Mom, you're going like 30 in a 25! Maybe it's a good thing he can read that now :)
Let's see, what's new with Ashton? He is doing great in school so far and seems to love his teacher, and loves having some of his best friends in his class. He's starting flag football this week, so we're hoping he really likes it. He still has scouts almost every week and loves it. He's still playing piano, but the newness has definitely worn off and he doesn't always practice very happily these days. But that's one things we are making him stick with and we're thinking about investing in a piano because I know he likes playing on them better than his keyboard.
Other than that, we have a lot of hard days with our Ashton. He is so strong willed and unfortunately a lot of situations are just a bit more difficult with him. It's hard to explain to anyone who doesn't have a child like this, and I think people often look at us like "Wow, why don't you control your kid?" In fact before I had kids of my own, particularly one like Ashton, I can say that I probably thought the same thing about people and their kids on occasion. I wish I could take that back now and instead I would go back and just pray for them.
We love him so much and sometimes I just find myself feeling bad for him that he himself can't control things about himself because it is just the way he is. He is such a great kid and has so many great qualities that we adore, but sometimes he is just hard!
So a couple weekends ago I had had a particularly difficult day with him and really just went to bed feeling defeated and sad and well like a failure. So I prayed really, really hard that God would just give me patience and that I would know how to deal with him and also just FOR him that God would help Ashton in any way that he could.
Anyway that was on Saturday and the next morning we went to church and actually had a really great morning. The boys sat all through church quietly (which most times they do now) and we got to listen to the whole homily that was actually said by a priest who comes to our church once a month or so. I really like him and that day in particular I felt so strongly that God was talking directly to me through him. The readings that day were about discipline and he talked about how sometimes when we have trials in our lives, it's God's way of disciplining us just as we do our children because we love them. Anyway he went on to talk about how when he himself was a little boy he remembers always wanting to trade his Mom for a different Mom and telling her that often!
I think I started crying at that point because sadly Ashton tells me that all the time. But then the priest said that as he grew up, he started to realize how very lucky he was to have the Mom that he did and that he would just get mad at her when he was young because she had rules and disciplined him.
I know that is a lot of what bugs Ashton (and lots of kids!) they want to just be able to do what they want, when they want and have no rules. Well that's just not how it works...at least in our house, so he rebels.
Anyway I just walked out of church that day feeling so much like God listens to everything I say and wanted to show me that he really understands and cares.
Even though lots of days and situations are frustrating, it just makes us want to try harder with Ashton. Obviously I know there are so many worse situations people are in, but this is one of the struggles in our life right now. It is what it is and I will never give up on him. The other half of the time when he's doing well, he is such a great, smart, funny, fun kid :)
So on Labor Day, we woke up to rain and it rained hard for quite awhile. We thought about going out to the parade etc... in Wellsville, but decided not to when it was raining. So I got the house cleaned up then Lars decided to start cleaning out the storage room...a project that really needed done, but we'd both been putting it off.
For awhile now I've been meaning to go through all of the many bins of the boys clothes from when they were babies up until now. So he drug them all out and I finally did it. As I was doing it, I decided it was just time to start getting rid of stuff. At some point in time we just have to face reality and that reality is that we may very well never have another baby. And I think we're finally at a point of acceptance. It's okay. Off and on for the past little while I have sure felt it. Our lives are in God's hands...it is not in our control and I trust in His plan for us, so how can we not be okay with it? I love our lives just like they are and each day that I wake up and get to be Gunnar and Ashton's Mom and Lars' wife, I thank God. Really I do...we have been so blessed and I am so grateful.
So the time had come to get rid of stuff and that is what I did. That entire day I went through bins and separated everything out into piles of sizes.
Then I advertised them on Cache Valley Classifieds through facebook, as well as car seats, shoes, snow clothes, a little high chair etc...And guess what? A lot of it sold really quickly. We ended up making about $200 and have a much cleaner storage room!
That is not to say that it wasn't very hard for me, or that I didn't cry half of the day as each time I picked up a certain outfit or sleeper, my mind would flash back to times that they had worn them and I would remember them being that little.
And I saved about 3 bins of all of my favorite stuff and throughout those days when my basement floor was still covered with clothes, I would gradually pick out a few more things I just couldn't bear to get rid of :) And really I feel at peace about it now. It's almost like I needed to take this step, to finally quit being in limbo about all of this. And also as I know I needed to do, I've just handed it over to God. He is in charge.
I always feel so glad that I have plenty of time and energy to spend on our two boys and never feel like I'm not giving enough love to either of them. I always think back to a time when I thought we would never have any and often think that Ashton and Gunnar are my little miracles and they deserve the best. I never want them to read back on any of this and think that they weren't enough. Because they are...so much more than enough. And I am always so, so grateful to Lars for working so hard so that I have always been able to stay home with them.
Anyway...wow, that turned into a book, but I always love reading back on my journaling posts...they are mostly for me. Especially stuff that the boys say or do, a lot of times when I read back, I realize I would have forgotten things had I not written them down.
I really need to be editing some pictures right now, but am feeling really sleepy. I have to have Ashton at piano at 7:30 tomorrow morning, so I better get to bed. Up next our fun camping trip :)
Gunnar loves to sleep shirtless...then lots of days this skinny little body comes straight to my room in the morning and crawls in bed with me to snuggle. Love it :)
I love when they get creative with their legos...Harry Potter in his own little hot tub...haha created by Ashton :)
Lars took the boys out shooting, Gunnar got to wear these :)
Lunch is better with big huge goggles on :)
Then another thing he said recently when I told him that I'm not going to let him get any older...he said "I can if I want to...sorry Mom, days go by." Well said Gunnar, no matter what I do I can't stop time.
I sure am enjoying every day as they go by so quickly though.
I read so many stories of parents who have lost kids at a young age or who have almost lost kids, but face a life with a severely disabled child because of an accident or something, and I think of how very grateful I am for every single day (even though lots of days are hard!) with Ashton and Gunnar and Lars.
I told Gunnar one night that every single day with him is a gift from God, his funny reply..."How am I a gift? You've had me for like 5 years!"
He talks a lot lately about wishing wells and wishing on shooting stars, and asks me if he makes a wish if it will automatically come true. I know now why he asks me this and why he so badly wants for one particular wish to be granted...more than any other thing in the world he wishes that Shockey would come to life and talk to him. I love it :) I love his innocence and how he looks at the world. He is so adorable!
Let's see, what's new with Ashton? He is doing great in school so far and seems to love his teacher, and loves having some of his best friends in his class. He's starting flag football this week, so we're hoping he really likes it. He still has scouts almost every week and loves it. He's still playing piano, but the newness has definitely worn off and he doesn't always practice very happily these days. But that's one things we are making him stick with and we're thinking about investing in a piano because I know he likes playing on them better than his keyboard.
Other than that, we have a lot of hard days with our Ashton. He is so strong willed and unfortunately a lot of situations are just a bit more difficult with him. It's hard to explain to anyone who doesn't have a child like this, and I think people often look at us like "Wow, why don't you control your kid?" In fact before I had kids of my own, particularly one like Ashton, I can say that I probably thought the same thing about people and their kids on occasion. I wish I could take that back now and instead I would go back and just pray for them.
We love him so much and sometimes I just find myself feeling bad for him that he himself can't control things about himself because it is just the way he is. He is such a great kid and has so many great qualities that we adore, but sometimes he is just hard!
So a couple weekends ago I had had a particularly difficult day with him and really just went to bed feeling defeated and sad and well like a failure. So I prayed really, really hard that God would just give me patience and that I would know how to deal with him and also just FOR him that God would help Ashton in any way that he could.
Anyway that was on Saturday and the next morning we went to church and actually had a really great morning. The boys sat all through church quietly (which most times they do now) and we got to listen to the whole homily that was actually said by a priest who comes to our church once a month or so. I really like him and that day in particular I felt so strongly that God was talking directly to me through him. The readings that day were about discipline and he talked about how sometimes when we have trials in our lives, it's God's way of disciplining us just as we do our children because we love them. Anyway he went on to talk about how when he himself was a little boy he remembers always wanting to trade his Mom for a different Mom and telling her that often!
I think I started crying at that point because sadly Ashton tells me that all the time. But then the priest said that as he grew up, he started to realize how very lucky he was to have the Mom that he did and that he would just get mad at her when he was young because she had rules and disciplined him.
I know that is a lot of what bugs Ashton (and lots of kids!) they want to just be able to do what they want, when they want and have no rules. Well that's just not how it works...at least in our house, so he rebels.
Anyway I just walked out of church that day feeling so much like God listens to everything I say and wanted to show me that he really understands and cares.
Even though lots of days and situations are frustrating, it just makes us want to try harder with Ashton. Obviously I know there are so many worse situations people are in, but this is one of the struggles in our life right now. It is what it is and I will never give up on him. The other half of the time when he's doing well, he is such a great, smart, funny, fun kid :)
So on Labor Day, we woke up to rain and it rained hard for quite awhile. We thought about going out to the parade etc... in Wellsville, but decided not to when it was raining. So I got the house cleaned up then Lars decided to start cleaning out the storage room...a project that really needed done, but we'd both been putting it off.
For awhile now I've been meaning to go through all of the many bins of the boys clothes from when they were babies up until now. So he drug them all out and I finally did it. As I was doing it, I decided it was just time to start getting rid of stuff. At some point in time we just have to face reality and that reality is that we may very well never have another baby. And I think we're finally at a point of acceptance. It's okay. Off and on for the past little while I have sure felt it. Our lives are in God's hands...it is not in our control and I trust in His plan for us, so how can we not be okay with it? I love our lives just like they are and each day that I wake up and get to be Gunnar and Ashton's Mom and Lars' wife, I thank God. Really I do...we have been so blessed and I am so grateful.
So the time had come to get rid of stuff and that is what I did. That entire day I went through bins and separated everything out into piles of sizes.
That is not to say that it wasn't very hard for me, or that I didn't cry half of the day as each time I picked up a certain outfit or sleeper, my mind would flash back to times that they had worn them and I would remember them being that little.
I always feel so glad that I have plenty of time and energy to spend on our two boys and never feel like I'm not giving enough love to either of them. I always think back to a time when I thought we would never have any and often think that Ashton and Gunnar are my little miracles and they deserve the best. I never want them to read back on any of this and think that they weren't enough. Because they are...so much more than enough. And I am always so, so grateful to Lars for working so hard so that I have always been able to stay home with them.
Anyway...wow, that turned into a book, but I always love reading back on my journaling posts...they are mostly for me. Especially stuff that the boys say or do, a lot of times when I read back, I realize I would have forgotten things had I not written them down.
I really need to be editing some pictures right now, but am feeling really sleepy. I have to have Ashton at piano at 7:30 tomorrow morning, so I better get to bed. Up next our fun camping trip :)
1 comment:
I love reading your journaling and have been so glad for you that you heard that particular homily that day at mass, ever since you told me about it. :)
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