Every thought in my head....

It seems like when I started my blog almost 4 years ago I would just write like it was my journal about every little thing that was going on. Now I just kind of blog about "events" or when I want to post cute pictures or whatever, and I get really behind on that a lot of times. Anyway lately I feel like just getting all of the random thoughts out of my head, so here goes...

I can't believe in 10 short days Gunnar will be 4. I really just can't believe it and it makes me so sad. He is so big and so independent now. He is my baby, but there really is not much left about him that seems baby-ish. He of course can't wait to turn 4 and if I ever call him my baby he immediately corrects me and says "Big kid Mom!" He has been sleeping in till 8:30!!!!!!! Really it is heaven. I say it all the time, but he deserves for me to say it again. He is SO sweet! And really thrives on being a good kid. Heaven.

I really need to get going on plans for his party. I have my ideas, but need to get stuff ready. It will kind of be his first "friend" party. So many things I love about this stage in his life...he still says so many cute things...some of my recent favorites, he calls his fingers "thingers" and when he means to say eachother he says "theirchother".  And getting to the point of him being so independent about a lot of things really is nice, but it doesn't stop me from missing my baby.

Speaking of babies...

 Yes I want another one.
I think most people know this fact...at least the 5 people that read this blog do. However our babies do not come easily to us. It is always crazy to me to hear people planning which month they'd like to have a baby in. Hahahahahaha! What? How would that be? We will just take them when we can get them and I would never think of being disappointed after finding out whether it was a girl or boy. Either would be totally fine with me. But like I said it does not happen easily.

So lately the word that gets stuck in my head about our life right now is CROSSROADS. I'd really love to have another baby...I LOVE being a Mom and I LOVE babies. It's hard for me to imagine not having another one. That that part of my life could be behind me. I have lots of friends who have gotten to a point that they know that they aren't meant to have any more. I don't have that feeling yet. However...as our boys do get older and in many ways easier, I do look at the other side of it and love this stage we are in (no diapers, lots of sleep, a little less crying) also and I am SO SO grateful that we have 2 healthy little boys and I often pray for those who are unable to have any. How could I not be grateful? Really I am and I do count my blessings every single day as I look at Ashton and Gunnar.
And I have prayed a lot that either way, if we are blessed with another one, or if it just doesn't happen...that I can feel okay with it. Recently I have felt some peace about that and know that it is not my choice if or when we do have another baby and I feel like I have just handed it over to God and we will see. So that is where the CROSSROADS comes in...I am 35, our boys are 7 and almost 4. Will we or won't we have another baby? Are we done with that part of our life? It's just kind of limbo right now...and I just felt like getting all of those thoughts out of my head.

I think a lot of times infertility is a hard thing to talk about or to even admit that you deal with it. But why? It is kind of out of my control...and SO many people struggle with it.
For me it is so hard to imagine not struggling to get pregnant. It would be so crazy to just think I want another baby and get pregnant the next month!
I guess part of the not talking about infertility is not wanting people asking you all the time if you're pregnant yet. I can see how that would get annoying!

I probably know 10 or 12 people who are pregnant right now, seems like every time I turn around someone else is announcing that they are. I told Lars another one the other day and he asked me if I was jealous, and I guess the answer that may seem obvious is yes...but strangely I'm not. I really get so happy for people when they tell me their news. And I really don't have that envy or feeling of why not me? Really. And I know what it feels like to be jealous, but I can honestly say that I'm not and I guess I just really truly know and believe that things happen when they are meant to and it is all part of God's plan and it hasn't happened for us yet, and possibly won't.

I also get scared about everything that goes along with pregnancy...especially the sickness. I think to some extent you forget what it's like in between babies, but yikes those were hard days for me with both of my pregnancies. SO worth it, but definitely thoughts that I have.

I also believe the more prayers the better...so please pray with me that whatever is God's will for us, baby or no baby will happen :)

Strength in numbers...Can't hurt right?
Oh and speaking of all this baby stuff...imagine if when you went to the hospital to have a baby, afterwards you were moved into a room with a full size bed for you and your husband to sleep on (not just a recliner or the floor for him), as well as got a celebratory steak dinner brought in for both of you with a bottle of sparkling cider, and had a full jacuzzi tub in your room, AND got a free newborn photoshoot of your sweet new baby before you checked out of the hospital? Oh and a massage??
Does this all sound crazy? It did to me after my experiences with childbirth in Logan Regional! Not that I had bad experiences, but really?
 Well all this has just happened for a girl whom my sister is helping out right now in Montana.
Wow...imagine.

Moving on...

Things I love about our life right now...(I never want to put so much thought and energy into one thing that I miss out on or don't enjoy the present moment...and I feel like I'm good at this just by nature, I really never live in the past and I think just with how my mind works I'm not too much of a worrier about the future) Anyway..............

I love that Ashton and Gunnar have gotten to play outside together for hours the past week, and I love that Gunnar is getting to an age where I can send him out with Ashton for awhile and watch them from the back window. I love spying on them and trying to figure out what little game they've invented for the moment.

This weekend Lars was gone Thursday through Saturday on the "BEST FISHING TRIP EVER", so it was just the boys and me and we had a pretty good weekend. They played for hours on the swing set and just running around the backyard pretending. Friday night we did movie night and watched "Puss in Boots"...it's really cute. They love to lay their blankets and pillows out on the floor and snuggle in with their licorice :)
Yesterday they were promised new jump ropes if they'd done everything they were supposed to the night before, so after finding (and eating) lots of chocolate "gold coins" that we think a sneaky leprechaun spilled onto our floor while scurrying around and knocking over furniture! Then snuggling in my bed and having a late breakfast we went on our jump rope search. Who knew that could turn into an hour long trip. No one had the ones we were looking for so after about 6 stores we hit the dollar store and got the cheap-o ones. I know that sounds annoying, but it was fun...in our search they got to point out lots of ideas for me for future birthdays etc...and they were good about just looking and knowing we weren't coming home with anything but jump ropes. (on a side note...I actually went to town, to the 6 stores I mentioned without make up! Just sayin' this is a big deal, I'm trying to not care so much :) Nice that somehow I didn't run into anyone I knew! That never happens!)

Anyway those jump ropes entertained them the rest of the day! Well those and the friendship bracelet kit we got, fun for boys too...who knew? I remember making friendship bracelets for hours when I was in middleshool maybe?

Had to take a quick break for Gunnar to count my thingers.

He is cute.

Oh and he's loving counting everything and pointing out letters he recognizes everywhere....getting pretty good at writing lots of them too. So fun to see them get excited about learning :)

He and Ashton both have long hair right now...it really needs to be cut today! We'll see if that happens.

And speaking of hair, I've been growing mine out too...and most days I'm on the verge of cutting it right back off! But other days I talk myself back into continuing to try to grow it out and at least see if I like it at all...

What to do?

So as I watched the boys practice and practice their jump roping out the window, I sat on my comfy couch and read my Kindle. Have I ever mentioned how much I love my couch? It is so comfortable!

And I really love my Kindle...Lars is a good gift giver. I'm thinking back to my Celine Dion tickets from a few years ago, and my ipod last year ( I use it all the time), oh and my Crystal Inn Getaway packages he's gotten me about 3 times...I still need to use the one from this Christmas and try to catch up on my scrapbooking.

I gave up facebook for Lent and I have to say it's been kind of nice and in a way free-ing. I can honestly admit that it had become somewhat of an addiction for me. With being able to check in on my kindle every hour of the day...it was becoming a bad habit and such a time waster. It was hard to quit and I do miss seeing what's going on with everyone and posting my own stuff, but it's been good for me.

Back to things I love right now...I love that after a not so good week a couple weeks ago at school, that last week Ashton had an AWESOME week and was even student of the week for his  great behavior. After his bad week I really tried to figure out what was going on with him and started a new incentive thing for him, and it really feels good to feel like I did figure it out as well as feel like my incentive worked! I always notice with Ashton that when he's not involved in a sport or during winter isn't able to get out and run around as much and get his huge amount of energy out, he struggles more. So I tried to imagine how he feels sitting in his desk at school all day...he physically cannot sit still sometimes if he hasn't had a good opportunity to get his energy out (like lots of kids!), so we did a little experiment that he was excited about (because I know it bothers him too how he feels without that physical activity) We made sure that all week he had lots of time to get some exercise and get OUT of the house and it made all the difference! So proud of you Ashton for trying hard to turn things around :)

I have also myself been trying to make sure that my exercise is more consistent...I've gotten a bit lazy and I know I feel much better when I get exercise too, so I try to get some in 4 or 5 days of the week. Lots of days Gunnar and I still go for our walks because that is what works in my life right now. When I can get out by myself with my ipod, I really like to run now too. Never thought I'd say those words. I remember taking in a note from my Mom in highschool when we were supposed to run the mile so I could be excused from it. I hated to run, but really had also hurt my ankle skateboarding right before it was supposed to happen...haha :)
I'm back to making myself do sit-ups at night again too. I certainly don't want to look pregnant if I'm not.

Wow this is getting long....
Something that is on my mind a lot is that I just feel like we could do so much more for people in need. It really bothers me. So I've decided to start small and work up to doing bigger things.
I want the boys to learn from these young ages that the world is not just about them. Us. We are so blessed and it is time to start giving back MORE. So I am going to involve them too.
My plan...I am going to make a big tree out of cardstock with 12 branches and hang it on a wall in our kitchen where we can all see it. On each of those branches will be a leaf with the name of one of the months of the year on it. Each month, we as a family will choose something we are going to do or something (money, food, etc...) we are going to donate to a certain cause, then we will write whatever it is on the leaf. I think doing something once a month is a good way to start and I love the idea of getting them involved and knowing that we are doing these things (and seeing them on the wall) rather than just writing out a check for something different each month.

Anyway we are already getting really excited for spring and summer. Soccer starts for Ashton again soon (thingers crossed he will still like it), then baseball which he seems excited for. We also have our big Disneyland trip coming up in less than two months!!

Then this summer both boys will get to do that fun soccer camp in Price. Gunnar is SO excited and feels so big that he actually gets to participate this year too. See? He is BIG!

We also want to do a Yellowstone trip and our fun Bear Lake trip at the end of the summer.

Nice weather just gets me excited of all the fun things to come...I really am just so excited that Lars will get to participate more this year as his leg is doing so much better! Now that the boys are at the stages they are, I am so excited to pack lunches and take them on little hikes and just let them explore. Oh and take our boat out fishing...

I think I need a nap now.
Oh a couple more funny things Ashton has said recently... the other day as I was laying with him saying prayers we got to talking about heaven like we do lots of times and he asked me if he had to be holding Lovey when he dies to be able to take him to heaven with him.  Cute.
And then yesterday he came up to me and asked me if I knew what the "real Golden Rule" was...then said it's "Boys play with boys and girls play with girls." haha :)

We went to church and got groceries today. All the beds are still unmade, the house is kind of a mess. Funny I don't really care...

Yep I think it's nap time after I read my kindle a bit more :)