Sad...

I guess maybe some people will think this post is silly, but I'm so sad right now because Ashton's Lovey is lost again and this time I think he might be lost for good. The last time I saw him was a week ago today when I was reading to Ashton and Gunnar in Ashton's bed. I clearly remember that he was with us that night because Ashton was holding him (like always) and kind of pointed out to me a little spot on Lovey's arm that needed to be sewed up. That was Sunday night. I don't remember seeing him at all on Monday, but Lars thinks that Ashton had him with him that morning when he (Ashton) went in to wake him up. I do know that as I made his bed that morning I remember thinking that Lovey wasn't there, but that wasn't too unusual since Ashton still packed him around the house with him most days and most days at least 7 or 8 times I would find Lovey somewhere in the kitchen or living room and I would go into Ashton's room and throw him back on his bed. I don't remember doing that at all on Monday. After breakfast I sent Ashton downstairs to the storage room to get some wrapping paper so we could wrap his friend's birthday present, he brought it up to me and we wrapped it, then he went and put it away. The rest of the morning he and Lars played Nintendo till it was time for Ashton to get ready to go to the movie with Jace for his Birthday. He came upstairs and I helped him get dressed and he looked so cute I took a few pictures of him. Lovey isn't in those pictures. I remember Ashton kept peeking out to see if Jace was here yet to pick him up and at one point he decided to go outside and wait for him. Lars was out there and is positive that he didn't bring Lovey outside with him. I know he didn't either...he wouldn't have. He always went in and told him "bye...I love you Lovey" before we went places. He knew not to take him outside. While Ashton was gone, Lars took Gunnar with him to run a few errands while I stayed home and took advantage of the time alone to clean out my bathroom cupboards and shelves. I got rid of 2 big garbage bags full of stuff. So later that night when it was time for the boys to go to bed and Ashton got in bed and realized Lovey wasn't there, we searched the entire house for about half an hour, then told Ashton to just lay down and we'd keep looking and bring him in when we found him. Which we really thought we would. We always do. After looking and looking all over the house, even going back into Ashton's room, long after he'd fallen asleep and looking there again. I started to think he must be in the garbage, so Lars went out and searched through all of our garbage. No luck. He has to be in this house somewhere I kept thinking. We went to bed and figured we'd find him in the morning. But we didn't. And we had our plans to go to Lava that day, so I made Lars look through all of the garbage again in the daylight and he went through every piece in both garbage cans and says he's 100 % sure that Lovey wasn't in there. So we told Ashton he'd have to take his stuffed dog (that he long ago named Five) with him instead on this trip. He really hadn't gotten too upset at this point because in the past we've always found Lovey and he just kept saying..."we'll keep looking, it's okay, we'll find him." So we went on our trip. It drove me crazy the whole time. WHERE could he be??? So after we got home we all got sick...but when we started to feel better we looked all over the house again. We have looked through EVERYThING. No lovey. It's as if he's vanished into thin air. Really that's what I keep thinking. Except for the other night as I'm trying to go to sleep and I start thinking really horrible things like someone must have broken into Ashton's room in the night and just taken Lovey and will use him later to lure Ashton out of his room. Horrible I know...but really there is just no logical explanation and as you can see it's driving me crazy!! Partly because not being able to find something is maddening!!! But more because of what it is that we can't find. It's Ashton's favorite thing in the world. When I was talking to him about it today and asking him if he'd be sad if we never found Lovey...he of course said yes and I said..."He was your very first friend." And he said..."No, Lovey's not my friend. " And I said "What do you mean? " And he said..."Lovey is a part of our family."

Exactly. Like I said I know it sounds silly...but I sit here crying thinking we'll never see him again. For almost 5 years now he may as well have been sewn right onto Ashton. He was never far from his side. Such a big part of his life...He carried him around all day talking to him, sniffing him, playing with him. Loving him. I know at some point Ashton would have gotten to where he didn't care about him so much...but I planned on keeping him forever. I'm so sad. And frustrated. If you're reading this, please say a prayer that by some miracle we find Lovey...