My sister Debbi...

Lately I've been thinking a lot about my sister Debbi. I actually never knew her...she was born on December 1, 1972...3 1/2 years before I was born, and sadly she died 17 months later. Actually 17 months, 17 days to be exact and it happened to be on the 17th of May.

Today Gunnar is exactly as old as Debbi was on the day she died. I guess that's why I've been thinking about her so much. Just the thought of losing him right now...I can't even imagine what it must have been like for my Mom and Dad. They were on their way back to Wyoming from New York and she started throwing up in the car. Then when they got back to my Grandpa's house, she was still sick the first day there, then they took her to the hospital. She got very dehydrated and passed away not too much later. The doctors said a virus had gone into her bloodstream and broke down her circulatory system.

This picture was taken in front of Niagara Falls on that trip home just days before she passed away... As I think about her and imagine what my Mom and Dad must have felt in her loss, I hold Gunnar (and Ashton) tighter and for longer. I think a lot of times we take for granted the time we have with our kids and wish we could "just get a break" from them. But what would it feel like if we never had another chance to hold them again? Never hear their sweet voices? Never kiss their sweet soft cheeks? Never hear their laughs? Never read them another book or rock them to sleep? I can't imagine...It is by far my biggest fear.

Debbi had red hair like Gunnar and in some old pictures some of the looks on her face remind me of him. (especially this one!)From what my Mom says she was feisty like Gunnar can be (and my sister Kelli with her red hair). She said at the time that she died she could say about 100 words and afterwards my Mom remembers counting all of them and remembering how she said them. She also told me about the nightmares of thinking she was still alive, then waking up to the sad reality of her being gone.

Luckily my Mom was just barely pregnant with my older brother Nathan and had him 9 months later and she's told me that it's always made her feel better to know that Debbi is in heaven looking out for the rest of us.

I just would have loved to have had an older sister (of course I love my younger one). But I often wonder what it would have been like. What she would have been like, and what she would have grown up to be. This December she would have turned 37!

I still have this Charlie Brown pillow that someone gave to her when she was a baby. Believe it or not, it is the pillow that I sleep on every night and have for years. (don't worry I wash it). Roommates and friends always used to make fun of me for it, but besides it being the most comfortable pillow ever, it makes me somehow feel closer to her. I love it.

Someday she and I will finally meet :)

When you kiss your kids tonight and put them to bed, hold them a little longer, maybe read them that extra book, and when they wake you up in the morning (a little too early)...get up and get them with a smile and thank God for another day with them. I know I will.